THE GREAT BINGO CONSPIRACY<\/p>\n
NARRATOR
\nBILL (self-appointed lead detective)
\nELLIE (the suspicious winner)
\nCYNTHIA (conspiracy theorist)
\nROBERT (former accountant, loves statistics)
\nSANDY (drama queen)
\nDIANE (voice of reason\u2026 mostly)<\/p>\n
NARRATOR: It\u2019s Tuesday at Beatitudes Senior Living, and tensions are running high in the dining room. For eight weeks straight, Ellie Parsons has won every single bingo game. The residents have gathered for an emergency lunch meeting to get to the bottom of this mystery.<\/p>\n
BILL: (comandingly) Alright, let\u2019s cut to the chase. Eight weeks. Sixteen games. Sixteen wins. That\u2019s not luck\u2014that\u2019s a conspiracy!<\/p>\n
ELLIE: (calmly) It\u2019s called being good at bingo, Bill.<\/p>\n
SANDY: (gasping dramatically) Good at bingo? GOOD AT BINGO?! It\u2019s a game of pure chance! There\u2019s no being \u201cgood\u201d at it! You might as well say you\u2019re good at being struck by lightning!<\/p>\n
CYNTHIA: Unless\u2026 (mysteriously) \u2026you\u2019ve rigged the entire system.<\/p>\n
DIANE: Oh, for heaven\u2019s sake. How does one even rig bingo? It\u2019s balls in a cage.<\/p>\n
CYNTHIA: I\u2019ve been doing research. (crumpling paper) On the internet. I looked on The YouTube. There are ways. Marked balls. Invisible ink. Magnetized cards. Radio frequency identification chips.<\/p>\n
ROBERT: (pensively) I\u2019ve been running the numbers. The probability of winning sixteen consecutive games with an average of 14 players per game is approximately one in 1.9 trillion.<\/p>\n
ELLIE: (dismissively) Well, someone has to win. Why not me?<\/p>\n
BILL: Exactly! Someone has to win, and it\u2019s ALWAYS you! (threateningly) Where were you last Tuesday at 2:47 PM, three minutes before game time?<\/p>\n
ELLIE: In my usual seat. Row three, center. Same place I always sit.<\/p>\n
SANDY: AHA! She admits it! She has a SYSTEM! A strategic position!<\/p>\n
DIANE: Sandy, everyone has a usual seat. You\u2019ve been sitting in the same chair for four years.<\/p>\n
SANDY: (defensively) That\u2019s different! My back needs the support! This is clearly premeditated bingo domination!<\/p>\n
BILL: Let\u2019s examine the evidence systematically. Robert, present your findings.<\/p>\n
ROBERT: Thank you, Bill. Notice the pattern. (tapping on table like writing on a board) Week one: winning numbers included B-7, I-22, G-48. Week two: B-7 appears again, highly suspicious. Week three through eight: B-7 appears in FIVE of the winning games.<\/p>\n
ELLIE: B-7 is a statistically common number! It\u2019s in the lower range where calls happen more frequently!<\/p>\n
CYNTHIA: Or maybe\u2014just maybe (accidentally knocking over a glass) you\u2019ve trained the caller! I\u2019ve noticed Margaret has been looking awfully well-rested lately. New shoes. Designer purse. Could be bribe money!<\/p>\n
DIANE: Margaret is ninety-three years old. Her granddaughter bought her those shoes for her birthday.<\/p>\n
CYNTHIA: Convenient story. Very convenient.<\/p>\n
SANDY: (exhausted) I haven\u2019t slept properly in three nights thinking about this. The stress! My sister in Buffalo said there was a bingo scandal at her facility. Someone was hiding extra daubers in their bra. Multiple daubers! She could mark numbers faster than anyone else!<\/p>\n
BILL: (excited) Extra daubers! Ellie, how many daubers do you have on your person right now?<\/p>\n
ELLIE: (indignantly) I have ONE dauber, which I purchased from the gift shop like everyone else! This is harassment!<\/p>\n
ROBERT: Actually, I bought mine on Amazon. Better ergonomic grip. $4.95. Free prime shipping.<\/p>\n
DIANE: (exasperated) Can we focus, please?<\/p>\n
CYNTHIA: Right! Focus! I propose we search her apartment. Look for evidence. Training manuals. Bingo ball prototypes. A shrine to B-7.<\/p>\n
DIANE: We absolutely cannot search her apartment. That\u2019s a violation of privacy!<\/p>\n
BILL: What if we just\u2026 casually visit? For tea? And happen to look around?<\/p>\n
ELLIE: (defiantly) Fine. FINE! Come search. All of you. You won\u2019t find anything because there\u2019s nothing TO find. I\u2019m innocent!<\/p>\n
NARRATOR: Twenty-five minutes later, the investigation team crowds into Ellie\u2019s small apartment, which looks perfectly, disappointingly normal.<\/p>\n
SANDY: (sound of doors opening) No marked balls\u2026 no secret bingo computer\u2026 no wall of winning cards\u2026<\/p>\n
CYNTHIA: (sound of kitchen drawers) No night-vision goggles for reading the balls early\u2026 no voice recorder with Margaret\u2019s patterns\u2026<\/p>\n
DIANE: This is ridiculous. Can we please just admit\u2014<\/p>\n
ROBERT: (excitely) Wait. Wait just a minute. What\u2019s this? A book. \u201cThe Mathematics of Probability and Pattern Recognition in Games of Chance.\u201d<\/p>\n
BILL: (accusingly) AHA! AHHHHHHA!<\/p>\n
ELLIE: (sighing) It\u2019s a library book. I checked it out. I\u2019ve been studying probability theory.<\/p>\n
SANDY: Studying? You\u2019ve been STUDYING bingo?<\/p>\n
ELLIE: Yes! I analyze which numbers come up most frequently over time, I sit in the optimal viewing position so I can see and hear clearly, and I stay completely focused instead of chatting and eating snacks during the game. It\u2019s strategy, not cheating! Most of the others miss numbers that I can see on their cards!<\/p>\n
ROBERT: (flipping through the book) Well, I\u2019ll be damned. There actually IS mathematical strategy involved. Card selection based on number distribution, attention management, optimal seating\u2026<\/p>\n
CYNTHIA: (deflating) So\u2026 no conspiracy?<\/p>\n
SANDY: No invisible ink? No trained caller? No daubers in your brassier?<\/p>\n
BILL: (defeated) No secret government bingo program?<\/p>\n
ELLIE: No. Nothing. Just an old lady who decided to get serious about her hobby.<\/p>\n
DIANE: (defensively) Well then. I believe we all owe Ellie an apology.<\/p>\n
BILL: I suppose\u2026 we do. Sorry, Ellie.<\/p>\n
SANDY: (sheepishly) Sorry for the bra comment.<\/p>\n
CYNTHIA: Sorry for accusing you of bribing Margaret.<\/p>\n
ROBERT: Actually, I\u2019m impressed. Would you teach me your methods?<\/p>\n
ELLIE: (smiling) Maybe. If you all promise to stop investigating me.<\/p>\n
NARRATOR: And so the Great Bingo Conspiracy was solved with mathematics and strategy. The residents left Ellie\u2019s apartment, embarrassed but satisfied. Or were they?<\/p>\n
NARRATOR: (PAUSE \u2013 then continuing) That night, as Ellie prepared for bed, her phone buzzed.<\/p>\n
ELLIE: (whispering) \u201cMargaret here. They bought it completely. Same plan for next week? Your cut is in the usual place.\u201d<\/p>\n
ELLIE: (slyly) \u201cPerfect. Fifty-fifty split. See you Tuesday.\u201d<\/p>\n
NARRATOR: (chuckling) Some mysteries, dear friends, are better left unsolved.<\/p>\n
THE END<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
THE GREAT BINGO CONSPIRACY NARRATOR BILL (self-appointed lead detective) ELLIE (the suspicious winner) CYNTHIA (conspiracy theorist) ROBERT (former accountant, loves statistics) SANDY (drama queen) DIANE (voice of reason\u2026 mostly) NARRATOR: It\u2019s Tuesday at Beatitudes Senior Living, and tensions are running high in the dining room. For eight weeks straight, Ellie […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[38],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2673","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-b-readers-theater"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2673","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2673"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2673\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2794,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2673\/revisions\/2794"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2673"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2673"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.robertandrews.org\/LIFE\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2673"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}